Connie's Class Reunion

Connie returned home yesterday from a four day trip to Louisville.  Her pretense for going was to attend her high school class reunion; however, I have no doubt the prime motivator was an opportunity to spend time with her boyfriend.  He flew in one day after her arrival, but they otherwise shared residency in a local motel during her entire visit.

During other recent times they were together, I experienced amazement by the minimal influence of the green-eyed monster on my psyche.  On the surface, at least, the monster seems to have lost much of its power over me.  I questioned whether or not this was an illusion, perhaps some sort of subconscious defense mechanism.  I decided to try and discern the answer by paying close attention to my feelings this time.

Now, more aware, I realize that I did experience some jealously, but it was overwhelmed by compersion, my joy for her happiness being with him.  It is often said and written that compersion is the opposite of jealousy; but I don't believe this is quite accurate.  For me, at least, the two feelings are not mutually exclusive as I experienced both, just much more of one than the other.

Also, I became aware of a shift in the emotion underlying my jealousy.  In the past, it was overwhelmingly fear of loss; in other words, my fear that Connie would fall in love  with another and lose interest in me.  This was a carryover from my swinging mindset, frantically clinging to the dyadic relationship by wanting to keep sex with others strictly casual.  Now, I think, my jealousy is more centered in envy, knowing that he was being intimate with her, and during these times, wishing to be him. 

Now, I know myself just a little better.  And now it is okay for her to love another.