George
Carlin was one of my heroes, both for his hilarious comedy and his
on-point social commentary. He offended many with his liberal use of
profanity and his biting social criticism, but his message resonated with me. Finding Carlin quotes that are neither profane nor
generally offensive to somebody was not easy, but I searched the
internet and came up with a few good ones:
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
"If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?"
"If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."
"Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it."
"Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning."
"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions."
"The future will soon be a thing of the past."
"I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it."
"Most people with low self-esteem have earned it."
"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."
"'No comment' is a comment."
"If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work."
"So far, this is the oldest I’ve been."
"I think I am, therefore, I am. I think."
"It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory."
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
"If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?"
"If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."
"Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it."
"Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning."
"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions."
"The future will soon be a thing of the past."
"I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it."
"Most people with low self-esteem have earned it."
"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."
"'No comment' is a comment."
"If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work."
"So far, this is the oldest I’ve been."
"I think I am, therefore, I am. I think."
"It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory."
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