More Carlin Quotes

The quotes shown on the previous post where also posted on my family blog.  The following could not be posted there for obvious reasons:

"I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!"

"Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?"

"I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow."

"You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up."

"Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money."

"If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor."

"You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans."

"Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala."

"I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary."

"You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick."

"When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat."

"I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos."

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood."

"Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature."

"So I say, 'Live and let live.' That’s my motto. 'Live and let live.' Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family."

"Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason."

"Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time."

"Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers."

"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."

"I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences."

"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."

"You can’t argue with a good blowjob."

"Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck."

"I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it."